Aligning Expectations
I’ve had two lunch meetings in the last two days, both of which were centered on misaligned expectations, and both of which had two very different outcomes.
The first meeting was with a colleague. We had both been equally disappointed with each other’s performance, but individually we had both been highly productive and consistently excellent. The meeting was an honest and progressive discussion that resulted in some changes being made and a few actionable items being executed in order to prevent the situation from occurring again.
The second meeting was with a friend. We had both been disappointed in a situation, but for very different reasons. I had been disappointed in behaviour; he had been disappointed in reaction. The meeting was an honest discussion, but not a progressive discussion, and it resulted in an admitted stalemate and an agreement to remain in disagreement.
In both cases, frustration had built because of a complete misalignment of expectations. In the first instance, what was expected of me from my colleague wasn’t clear to me, and thus I hadn’t been delivering on that expectation. Likewise, my expectation of his requirements wasn’t clear to him, and thus his requests were vague and unspecific. In the second instance, my expectation of reaction to a given situation was met with refusal, and thus what was expected of me I found to be unreasonable.
The fact that two situations that held similar frustrations resolved so differently got me thinking about the fragility of expectation alignment. I firmly believe that the single greatest source of frustration in any type of relationship is misaligned expectations.
Think about this for a moment. What relationships succeed if expectations between the two parties aren’t clear and aligned? If the employer expects the employee to behave in a certain autonomous way, but the employee expects detailed direction from the employer, frustration will exist. If the project manager expects clear requirements from the stakeholder, but the stakeholder expects the project manager to “fill in the blanks”, frustration will exist. If a father expects the son to follow in his footsteps, but the son expects the father to give him the freedom to make his own choices, frustration will exist. If the first friend expects the second friend to be on time for coffee, but the second friends expects the first friend to understand that her schedule won’t allow for it, frustration will exist.
All of the above hypothetical scenarios can be remedied by one thing: expectation alignment.
In plain English, you tell me what you want from me, and I’ll tell you what I want from you. Then you tell me what you can delivery to me, and I’ll tell you what I can deliver to you. In the middle of all of that, everyone gets on the same page. The expectations of each other are aligned. Frustration is quashed.
It is vitally important that leaders recognize misaligned expectations. The many personality types out there mean that we all manifest our frustrations in different ways. Some are passive, some are aggressive, some get over it, some bottle it up, and get offended and bitter. Good leaders will recognize the signs and work quickly to realign expectations and restore peace.
In whatever relationship you find expectations are not jiving, ask yourself how you could better communicate your expectations and also how you could better understand the other party’s expectations. Then make the changes necessary. Sometimes stalemates will occur, but more often than not we’re all better off when we operate with clear expectations.
